thoughts at the end of the year

Only a few days left of 2011. On New Years Eve it’s easy to become philosophical … summing up the year that just passed … leafing through a new calendar … wondering what it may contain.

For me, it obviously started earlier this year.

I was sitting here, thinking all kinds of thoughts about my life — what I’d done with the fifty six years that have passed … what I had accomplished. I couldn’t come up with anything. I don’t have any children — that was never a goal of mine because I never felt the urge to reproduce myself. At least I don’t have to regret that.

There were so many things I wanted to do, but I wanted to be so damned good at everything so I quit when I realized I wasn’t all that good. I’m good at quitting, though [except smoking].

I always wanted to have a nice hand-writing. Thought everybody else wrote so beautiful, but not I. Finally I tried to imitate somebody else’s handwriting which only caused me to lose my own in the long run. Kept finding other ones that I copied and so on.

Took an evening course in calligraphy a number of years ago. It was hard, but I thought I’d be able to create those snazzy, hand-written cards on thick paper that you see sometimes. I’m left-handed and the teacher told me it looked like I was holding some surgical instrument instead of a pen. I held out for two terms, though.

I wanted to learn Hebrew, but that, I never even started!

At least I think I’m a decent human being. I’ve worked hard, I’m not a criminal [I’ve stolen a few ash trays and towels, though! This post is brutally honest … I’m very brave, very courageous!], I’ve never been consciously mean to anybody.

Sometimes I have mixed emotions about this whole blogging business. There are days when I’m very conscientious about what I write … like as though I were afraid of what people might think?! …like if someone I know in real life would read/care about what I type every day on this little blog. Well … the risk of them doing so, increases if I post this to Facebook, so I think I’ll abstain from that with this. Other days — like this evening — I approach it with a «devil-may-care» attitude and that feels good.

All these thoughts were going through my mind when a comment on my previous post popped up in my mail box. I clicked on the commenter’s profile and started to read their blog … posts here and there, a little randomly. One paragraph stood out, like as though it were written in fire:  «You are a victim of your past, or you are future force to be reckoned with. I know which I am. Do you ? » Some caramel to suck on, huh!

Blogging can be quite marvellous sometimes! This morning, I read The Quotidian Hudson, as usual and a quote he had put in there has lingered with me all day [by a fellow country man, Carl Sandburg]: “Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you.” Ahhh…the wonders of blogging — sometimes it really can be food for thought.

Busy Lifestyle

The more blogs I read, the more I realize how fortunate I am. Most people seem to be in constant lack of time! Life has its phases, and the «busy phase» is definitely a time of the past for me. Besides, as I [by choice] don’t have children, it was never really all that busy. Now that I don’t work anymore, I can spend hours online if I feel like it, or do anything I want. Not many people are that lucky. Again — life has its phases, and work was good and interesting, even fun at times! There were mornings, while I was walking to work, pondering how few people that could feel that it was actually going to be fun to get to work! So many people suffer through eight hours a day, to put food on the table.

The last eight years of my working life, those walks to work meandered through a residential area. Old homes, with lush, well groomed gardens — no dandelions there — and neat houses … everything looked so fine so one could easily be fooled to believe that everyone must be happy in there. I worked in a small, medical clinic — part of its «catchment area» was this where I walked, so I knew a lot — sometimes it felt like too much — of what was going on in the way of illnesses and abuse. The façades can be so deceiving and I sometimes imagined lifting them off on a Friday night.

Looking back at other phases of my life, I wonder how I survived, but the funny thing is that when you’re in the midst of it you just don’t seem to notice! It’s only in hindsight it seems that way.

It seems, it’s not only while walking my thoughts wander … it’s also while typing. My point with this post was merely to say how thankful I am that I can spend as much time as I want to on this … it’s a lot of fun to do this blog-a-day-challenge and I don’t have to struggle to find time to type up a few lines. This is my morning pleasure, while sipping my coffee.

The little dandelion here above, had managed to get out through a crack in the concrete on the sidewalk … I thought it looked like one of those smilies we see around the web … like it was peeking out through all the grey to brighten up our day and was definitely worthy of a picture and a smile 🙂